I sit alone again away from my children. Almost two years separated from my daughter, my spouse blames me for the misfortune despite my wife’s perpetual abuse. The dilemma of whether I leave a wife that has caused so much pain, never acknowledges wrongdoing, and continues to rebel reverberates daily. If I leave again, consequently there will even be more children impacted. More days lost being with them, missing their childhood, and losing intimate moments as their dad. However, if I stay, I will continue to live in a strained marriage where I hold no leadership as the man of the home, disrespected, and walked all over by an evil spouse. The children will come to resent me, I fear, and learn a perverted headship in the mother domineering and abusing the husband. What is God’s purpose in all this I could ask, however, my own folly led to me marrying my wife. Wisdom crouched at my door, but I left and ran away. Correcting one wrong, instead only exacerbated a seemingly unsolvable crisis that has now sparked a forest fire.
God grant me direction in my next steps. May I now lead a life that carries out your will. While you may not have desired me to be here from the start, I am now here to learn, and be corrected for the sake of my sanctification. Please help those involved, i.e. the children not to be too wounded by my spouse who seems to have no end to her wickedness. If there is a miracle that you desire to grant, I pray that my wife will repent. Sadly, when I go from church to church, none correct, rebuke, or hold her accountable. As the man, ironically, I am held to the fire. After several iterations, I now reject the abuse even from those who hold themselves esteemed as supposed leaders of God. Lord, you know the situation. If there is flaws in me that need correcting reveal them and may they be addressed. Nonetheless, my wife’s damage is as clear as night and day. I must not be tricked into believing her lies and the deception she casts on all those who are new to the story. I write to be understood by you, for my own heart, and to aid others who may go through similar circumstances.
While it may now seem that I am all alone, missing out on the temporal pleasures of being with my loved ones, I know that in eternity I will be with them forever. I also know that you are with me always. Sadness consumes this world if you try to live it for the Lord. The closer you know Him, the more you identify evil in yourself and around you. Living for God is not a ticket to happiness. He gives me joy, but I also grieve the abuse and unloving union I have in my marriage. God show me the way to victory. Help me find a way to navigate these troubling waters. Grant me relief from the hell I live in. I have faith that you have me. You know me. You understand the truth for what it is. Hold me and never let me go.
“The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forevermore.” (Psalms 121:7-8)