I claim no innocence. In any marriage there are two sinful people uniting, hopefully both Christ followers, who will be sanctified throughout their married lives with many ups and downs in the process. Many times when my wife has done horrendous offenses against me, I have sadly responded in anger, rage, and frustration. While to a certain degree on its basis it seems justifiable, I wish I could just not respond. Instead, walk away, pray for her, or even just leave. The main offense my wife has in response to majority of her wrongs and sins is me yelling, trying to reason with her, and sadly our children hearing in the background as they are always around. For this very reason, I see no purpose in subjecting myself to perpetual abuse and new scenarios that my wife continues to project.
For the past three days my wife has been out of the house with the kids. I do not know where she is staying, what she is doing, nor what she is scheming to do next. Today, I texted ministers from the church I have attended for over a year now, and again received no response. Below are some intimate requests I made upon the church leadership to hold my spouse accountable.
[Sent via text to my wife and two ministers of the church I have attended. All of the messages below are my words and received no responses back. I have combined the multiple texts into paragraph format.]
“I am adding people at the church not because I think they are effective with me, but maybe so they will help you do something. [Wife] will you please let me get the oil changed in the Volkswagen? If you keep driving it the engine will burn up and you and the kids won’t have a vehicle. I also see you rescheduled another surgery for one of our kids. [Our son] needs ear tubes to help his hearing and it was for next week. The hospital called me yesterday to confirm. This morning I wake up and there is a new calendar invite for his surgery now for August 28? Now that I can get into my work calendar, you are supposed to get your military ID tomorrow at 9:30, since your other one was stolen at Busch Gardens after it was left in the stroller with other valuable items. Did you reschedule [our son’s] surgery?
Can you speak with a minister at the church as soon as possible to get psychological help? Also, you have been staying at another place with our kids the past two nights. I do not know where you all are staying nor am I seeing our kids now. If it continues, I will have to contact the attorney. I need to know where our kids are. [Minister #1] can you tell your dad, [lead minister] to talk to my wife? Can anyone at the church talk to my wife in person? You all can have the safety team with her if it helps. [This past Sunday, the church escorted her out of the building after the service out of fear that I would cause a scene and confront her or the church, which was rather absurd given the circumstances and the truth, which is somewhat explained below.]
If you need a reminder of why [my wife] needs someone to meet with her in person, the minister needs to ask her the following:
1. Why have you spent $20,000 in personal credit cards the past two months? Show us the credit card statements to verify the nature of the purchases.
2. Why did you take your husband’s cell phone affecting his job and then tell him where it is days later back in May?
3. Why did you take his government ID on Sunday morning, come to church, and refuse to give it back to him? He had to spend half the workday yesterday at the Pentagon getting a new one. [Would have been nice if the ministers would have asked for the ID back as I had texted them that she took it. They did not confront her.]
4. Why do you refuse getting the oil changed on your vehicle? Can you let your husband take it to the dealer?
5. Why do you repeatedly threaten your husband by claiming you are going to contact his commanding officer for more money? All of your expenses are paid, the family gets 60% of every paycheck.
6. Why do you threaten to sell his stuff in the home such as the TVs on the wall?
7. Why did you bag all his belongings in trash bags last month and place them out on the front porch and then refused to put his stuff back?
8. Why did you get a dog outside his will by bringing her into the home while he was at work and now she is neglected and left either in a kennel or tied up to a chair or door 24 hours each day when the husband is not home?
9. Why have you physically abused your husband that includes punching him, slapping him, throwing things at him, and biting him?
10. Why have you tried to get him fired, alleged false sexual assault allegations on him, stated he hasn’t financially provided numerous times, forged his signature, stolen his wallet, lied to the police, and other merchants about stealing?
11. Why do you continue to spend on your credit cards getting packages daily?
12. Why did you abandon your husband on the side of the road in a cornfield in PA, on I-95 after church one day, at a Chick-fil-A, and at a Chili’s?
13. Why did you have YouPorn on your cell phone with a woman only and her genitalia? When your husband confronted you it led to you slapping him and leaving me in PA with only a cell phone and wallet. If it somehow randomly got on your phone when you go to your browser, then why did you get so defensive? Are you attracted to women? You routinely watch Baywatch up in your room with our-10-year-old.
14. Why do you refuse to get psychological help?
15. Are you claiming your husband is lying in the divorce documents from 2020? He states “everything” he states is true in the legal documents.
I don’t care if you don’t like my approach [Minister #2]. I answer to God one day and as the leader in this marriage, I have tried to let the church know. If you all can’t meet with my wife in person and ask her directly that is on the church.
I texted these messages this morning and never received a response. If I was suicidal, the church would not even know. The church is an unloving church who does not care about my well-being. Thankfully, I am not suicidal, but I say that because despite my affliction, the only response I have received from them is how I, “should make my marriage whole, do Christian counseling to improve as a man and husband, etc.” It is fine to draw closer to the Lord, acknowledge sin, but when your spouse’s sin is not addressed, held accountable, and instead you are basically judged for bringing your concerns to the leaders, then that is abuse.
This is shared for a few reasons. First, I am in pain and it is therapeutic to write. Second, I warn all of you to really analyze the church you attend. When a crisis hits and there will be one for any Christian, will the church really be there for you? I have sadly found that multiple churches are not there for me, but instead begin to question me as a spiritual leader, husband, man, etc. and it just adds to the abuse my wife is already inflicting upon me. You must eradicate this evil and unloving behavior before it tears you even more down. Based on the texts I shared my wife has issues and at this juncture, I am becoming convinced I need to separate for my own safety. I cannot place any valuable personal belonging out in the open out of fear that she will take it. Even now with her not home, I am still paranoid that my phone, wallet, keys, and computer are unsafe and need to be hidden. Satan wants to have me live in fear, but sadly it is warranted and reaffirmed as my wife has taken all said items multiple times.
As churches they must be filled with the Holy Spirit. They can have great sermons, preach exegetically out of the Bible, but do they care about its people? Does the leadership care to get to know you? Do they let you serve and grow in the flock? “Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly – not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example” (1 Peter 5:2-4).
God has shown me through this trial yet again that some churches fail in caring for those who even ask for help. As a minister, I would hope that I would reach out to someone like myself and try to reason the circumstances, instead of be dismissive or in this case completely ignore. It is hard enough dealing with my wife who acts incomprehensible, but for the church leaders to not care for my concerns, falsely judge me, and be dismissive is just as tragic. You spend so much time in a church, but do you really know the leaders, the people, and are they dependable. In my case, I have learned the hard way that I cannot rely on them. My wife has let me down and this church too. I pray I can find another church. Please pray for my wife and this church as they need to care for all people who walk into their door and whom God has given them to minister.